Written by Dana Smith
Something had to give. I wasn’t happy, my pain was manifesting in ugly ways and I just didn’t like how I felt. One day I found myself stuck in my reflection, not a mirror image but a photo album on Facebook. Pictures worth more than words, a visual account of my image that made me acknowledge my agency in my appearance. Of course, this realization resulted in a very strange fashion phase. I will not spare you the flash back to 2009 for Facebook is all too powerful of a record keeper and this information is readily available. Just note, I wore socks on my hands. Socks on hands, nonetheless I continued.
Wearing strange clothes did not calm my heart nor did it confront the real issue at hand, the freshman 50. I had gained a lot of weight since enrolling in college and I felt that I had no control over it but at the same time I was the only person who was in control of it. Eventually I would decide to go vegetarian for my health. After a lifetime of poor eating habits, I opted for a complete 180, I’ve always been one for the extremes. The choice to go vegetarian was a direct result of me recognizing that bacon cheeseburgers and fries are not a complete diet.
My very first year of being vegetarian I pretty much just ate cheese sandwiches, legitimately. But I still somehow lost weight, a testimony to how much meat I was consuming prior to being vegetarian. Eventually I got sick of eating cheese LITERALLY- I’m lactose intolerant- it just didn't sit well with me.
About a year into being a vegetarian I found my way to beans and veggies. Best discovery ever!!! The veggies helped me feel full and nourished in a way that I hadn’t before. Feeling full and not lethargic nourished and not sluggish. I loved how it felt eating clean, and I loved how I looked as I was slimming down.
(SPOILER ALERT: there is a downside to beans I’d find out later in life)
But there was more to it, I was loving the changes but not loving myself. Let me break down the interactions. See when I lost weight, I gained some attention along the way… sexy attention. It was exciting at first exploring the new frontiers of flirting and fucking. However, I was still a Black girl in a mostly white institution in Central-Wisconsin so, the ‘sexy attention’ that I was getting boiled down to fetishizing and curiosity, so I felt unseen. ALONE. Not only did I feel alone but I felt responsible for the way others treated me. At this point in life I was completely conditioned to respond to the way others viewed me as a direct reflection of myself (credit due to US indoctrination)
Soon there after I struggled self-harm and eating disorders. Living in cyclical misery. Hiding myself and my spirit from the world because no one really saw me anyway. ISOLATED.
It was hard letting go of those self-destructive feelings. I felt pitiful at times and I wanted that feeling to just end. I didn’t care if it was tragically and abruptly. I realized there weren’t many options for that kind of a way out so something had to give. I was determined and that determination helped me recognize and address my issues. It was also the wisdom of my friends and family, those precious jewels dropped on occasion, some how their presence was always just the thing for me to feel that warmth again. It is that same determination, perseverance, and connection to my loved ones that continue to get me through to this day.
...I OVERCAME THIS BEFORE, I WILL OVERCOME ONCE MORE...
Its never a simple victory and every battle isn’t victorious, but nonetheless moving forward. I still struggle; those feelings of isolation recur, but I’ve been here before, and each time through I’m learning something new.
...I OVERCAME THIS BEFORE, I WILL OVERCOME ONCE MORE...
My 3rd year in college was better for me, as I acknowledged my pain and committed to do more things improved. I reflected on my successes at UWSP and celebrated my new position running the Women’s Resource Center. On the other hand, I started drinking and partying a way too much, keeping myself busy. Routinely leaving the library at midnight, to home to a raging party, play catch-up for 30 minutes, and rage throughout the night.
Life felt like personalized cocktail of healthy and toxic coping mechanisms, teetering and pulling from my clouded thoughts into mild delusions of grandeur.
I realized then I was a long way from the little girl with a double bacon cheeseburger. However, looking back now I can see I was still a long way from the woman I am today.
Scrolling through pictures and I caught my glow <3
The, least embarrassing while remaining true to the kooky, pictures
#TBT To the time when I would try anything including not consuming high fructose corn syrup to avoid the heart palpitations and occasionally heart explosion experienced by lab rats in a study… I was convinced lol
I’m the first to admit I have a complicated relationship with beans…
I like this imagery, perhaps because I know that when I took this image I was sad and harming myself. Nonetheless the symbolism is striking, I am literally using sunshine and bubbles to mask my broken smile
This was such an honor! Ever grateful for my experience with the UW Systems
BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE!
INTENTION
It doesn’t matter unless its supported.
New energy
That has yet to
Exist in the world
Never matters, unless it’s supported
Thoughts
Involve homage to
Operate
No matter exists without support
Photography: Mahdi Gransberry